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Aloriality

Alora Diante

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saving for later use and additions, please comment m(_._)m	[Jun. 20th, 2009\|02:32 pm]
I have always had a vivid imagination, especially when I was young. I knew I was destined for something better then a normal life, and I kept going towards that goal all throughout my school years. In school I was not pretty, I was not popular, I was usually picked on, made fun of and laughed at. But I kept telling myself that I would be all right, that in the end, every pain I suffered would change. In elementary there was a kid who would wet his pants on a regular basis, no one liked him either, but when we were standing in line next to each other, even he would shun away from me. I felt bad. I didn’t know why. I showered that morning, brushed my hair, put on the clothes my mother bought for me, why should I be so repulsive to a guy who smells like piss all the time? I was six; events like this have hindered my self-image. My imagination helped me during these times; I would play on the playgrounds pretending I was a unicorn. I was magnificent and fast. I was known as Swift Wind, or was it Wing, I can’t remember. I connected with a few other kids who had imaginations too. Even a few of the boys came and joined in, pretending to be hunters for our unicorns. Yes, elementary school was full of pain, but I also had a lot of fun. Junior High was different. This was the time when imagination left and reality set in. Most of my friends from our unicorn days went to other schools or shunned me in hopes of gaining their own popularity. I became a ‘loser’ again. Of course grade seven started off ok, new faces, new people, and I connected with a new girl in my class. Finally I had a friend again. She was nice and liked me for who I was. Though it sucked that barely two months into the year she moved away. So I was alone again. Picked on, laughed at, and made fun of. I was the first person in all my years of school to get acne. That just gave them all another reason to laugh and make fun of me. At home things were different. I acted out, refused to do chores and I was beaten for it. I got into fights with my sister, and she is much bigger then me, so I often lost, or if one of our parents came around my sister would say I provoked the fight, so I was the one punished for it. I remember when my dad got really mad he used his leather belt with a metal buckle, I have been hit many times by that buckle. Back at school I just tried to make friends but it was already set in that I was a loser. Laughed at for my acne, laughed at for just being me, all alone, then finally I remembered my imagination. I could be laughed at, but my imagination said that I was cheered at. I could be pushed around the halls, my imagination told me I was just getting out of the way for someone on their way for medical help. When I look back now, it really was amazing the things I did and thought of in my youth. I wish I had that power again. “No, this is bullshit!” I nearly shouted, standing up from my seat and clenching my fists “I am a perfectly fine and healthy human being.” I sat back down. “Mentally human being” I added for reassurance. The psychiatrist looked at me patiently and briefly sighed. “These delusions you’ve been having are caused by schizophrenia,” he said softly. “You are not a Princess on the Moon, you are not a Goddess of Nature… it is this medical imbalance in your brain the produces…” “That is just my imagination!” I felt tears coming to my eyes. “I am a writer.” “Are you published? Have you ever finished anything?” “No,” I admitted. “I start something with a great idea, I know the story full out to the end, but I don’t finish it. I tend to get new ideas for new stories before I finish what I started.” “ADHD” “What?” “Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder” “What?” I laughed. “You’re going to blame that on another psychological thing? I’m sorry, but if that is your diagnosis, we’re through!” I stood up and marched out of his office, turning back to him and saying; “The voices in my head call you an asshole.” Then I left.
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(Read Prologue in previous post)	[May. 21st, 2009\|06:58 pm]
Chapter One Karatianna sighed, looking up into the sky and watching the brightly coloured birds flying against the pale blue sky. The colours contrasted so beautifully that it warmed her heart. Red on blue, orange on blue, even blue on blue was so magnificent and beautiful to look at that it took the young Goddesses breath away. She had been watching the sky for half a day. Her chores were finished before she woke up-such was the duty of the servants who lived under her. Karatianna was a High Goddess. She was one of those born from chaos when it blasted into existence. Many things were born then; the solar system, the stars, the planets, even the cycles of meteorites were formed then. Karatianna was also part of the group who decided which solar system, which planet they would bring to life. She had lost at that time; she wanted the planet with many moons to host life, she knew that they-as Gods and Goddesses-would take part in the growth of the planet through the solar symbols, and she believed that more assistance they could bring, the better. In the end one planet with one moon won. The other Gods and Goddesses thought that if they assisted less, it would be more fun. And so the Earth was born. Slowly, through carefully guided evolution, it evolved. And after enough time, humans were born; created in the exact image of the Gods and Goddesses themselves. "The moment you give them free will, they will deny us!" Kerowyn yelled, her voice high pitched before the council of Chaos, where the Gods and Goddesses met to discuss their solar system. "But wouldn't freedom be more fun?" giggled the God of Mischief, Kenderlyn. "They are our special creation," Kryphon added. "If we do such a thing, it's losing control over the animals we have created." "But that's the thing," Karatianna put in, still staring at the sky, not even looking at her fellow gathered Deities. "They are not animals, they were born in our likliness, they have use of thought, passion, desire..." "Hate, destruction, sadness," Kerowyn's voice kept getting higher and higher in pitch as she complained. "There is the light of our sun, and the light of our moon on this planet, things grow, live and die. It is the cycle of existence that we have created. Humans are already created, let them be, they are not us, they are not our playthings. They have their own mind, just like us. I say watch and let things happen." Kryphon stood up while he performed his speech, his voice velvety soft. The other Gods and Goddesses in the room could not deny his voice, could not betray his words, for he was the God of Creation. Everyone nodded silently and dissipated, back to their own roles and duties. Except one. Karatianna slowly moved towards Krypon, her eyelids slighly lowered in a seductive manner. The only one who could interest the God of Creation was the Goddess of Existence. One of such power that she could even destroy everything born out of Chaos with a snap of her fingers. Although Kryphon usually took over things when it came to their fellow Deities, there was only one person who was really in charge of it all. That was Karatianna. She lived for heart, soul, love, grace, anything that was positive. She walked towards Kryphon with great passion. He returned her gaze with equal feelings. "There's this thing that humans do..." she slightly blushed. "To create another, I'd like to try it with you." Kryphon looked down, blushing. He knew exactly what she was talking about. "Animals breed too, not just humans." Karatianna licked her finger and rubbed it along Kryphons lower lip. "Ahh, but they don't have the passion, those animals, humans do." Without another word, Karatianna layed Kryphon on his back and begain kissing his neck, soft and gently, she moved up towards the ears, when she was near his face, she moved to his lips. Kryphon had never felt anything to amazing. He returned her passion tenfold, his arms up on her back as she was on top of him, her lips embracing him in a human manner As things went on, they did try out at the way humans had intercourse, and Karatianna became pregnant the same way as humans do. The Goddess only takes a week to give birth, unlike the human cycle. Kryphon was all worried and right there holding Karatianna's hand and the very first child, born of the Gods was born. Karatianna held her daughter in her arms as Kryphon looked proudly from the side. The baby was born perfectly healthy, as to be expected from immortal parents. However, Karatianna began to cry. "What's wrong?" Kryphon put his arms around Karatianna. "I cry because I lose her." "What do you mean?" "She shall live on Earth, not with me or you." "But why?" "It is the best way to introduce ourselves to them." Suddenly a guy wearing a dark mask and cloak entered the room. "What era?" He asked, in a deep husky voice, as he reached for Karatianna's child. "One where humans are adjusted." "Very well." Said the man, taking the child from the Goddesses arms and holding her in a position that Kryphon couldn't touch, no matter how hard he tried. "Are you sure of this?" He glared at the father. "I am sure." "Very well." The man turned to leave. "No wait!" Kryphon called, reaching out his hand. "She needs a name." Karatianna smiled weakly. "Yes she does." "Cozette." the babies father said. "Yes, Cozette." Karatianna agreed. "Very well then, her name is Cozette." The man stated, then dissapeared
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Just staring to write again...	[May. 21st, 2009\|06:41 pm]
Prologue Alora ran down the icy riverbanks, her bare feet were frost bitten and her entire body was scraped from the thorns protruding through the iced bushes and trees. Her arms were across her chest as she ran, she constantly drew down power and warmth and ejected it through her hands into her vital organs in order to keep them from freezing, to keep them running. It had only been a few minutes since Alora had awoken from her slumber amongst the ice and snow, but she was already half frozen. She has been laying unconscious for quite some time. As she ran she concentrated on what was before her, the icy trees, the thorn bushes, the sound of flowing water. She ran towards that sound, her breath visible in the cold night air. Finally she made it to the water. A river; half covered with ice, but the middle of it still had running water, the sound of water flowing over the rocks, a sign of life. Alora breathed a sigh of relief as she stood straight up against the river. She had found the place; the place her heart cried out for. It wanted her, it called her name like a sweet lullaby. She held her breath for a few moments as she let the energies around her enter her body, she drew down the spirit of the trees, of the bushes, the fish and even the rocks. She felt warm again. Exhaling her breath, she closed her eyes and dropped herself into the flowing river.
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(no subject)	[May. 15th, 2009\|06:59 am]
Knitting folklore says that if you knit a strand of your hair into your work, you will be forever bound to the person who receives that work. In my life, this means that a lot of people are forever bound to my cat.
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(no subject)	[Apr. 1st, 2009\|07:41 pm]

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Interesting...

[Aug. 30th, 2008|11:19 am]

[

mood

apathetic

]

Well, recently I went back to FFXI and I met someone where, we webcammed for a bit and all, to make a long story short, we thought we'd try a relationship. So we talked about it for weeks, about meeting, and I told him he had to come up here first and meet my dad before he let me go anywhere again for someone online. And this week he was all "If I have the money, I'm coming to see you this weekend" and I was all "That would be great" I didn't think he was that serious.

Well, I login this morning, and he says he got a flight and is coming here tonight! First thing I panicked, it was too short a notice, the house is a mess (isn't it always?) and I have no clean clothes, I need to do laundry... I really had little to no warning...

And he told me "I said I'd come soon as I could" and that's true O_O I didn't take things literally though. A weeks warning, yes, a months, even better. All my dad said was "he's not staying here"

So, he flys in tonight. I dunno what is going to happen. My mom is going to take me to pick him up from the airport since my dad is going to bed early cuz he's leaving early in the morning for a golf trip... so he came to meet my dad to get his OK, pretty much, and he isn't going to have a chance since my dad will be away.

I always told him I'd up and go back with him. And I seriously would, except at this moment I am talking to a shrink, and he's trying me out on meds to help calm my anxiety, hypocondriacism and depression. I start a new regime on monday, and James (that's what his name is) wants me to fly back with him on monday, and I'm seriously thinking about it.

I mean, what have I really got here that I need? At first I was all thinking I couldn't leave, I mean I have a safe place here, I'm taken care of, I have a shrink and a cat... but... I'm not happy. He could take care of me, he could afford to take care of us both even if I wasn't working. To me, that kinda seems ideal, I will work once I get my visa anyway, I get bored too easily. But I need a man to take care of me. Someone other then my father would be great.

I'm both scared and delighted at the same time. I know I told him that I would have no problems just up and going with him, and in a way that's true, but to get a message and think that it's 3 days away, suddenly... I'm not so sure.

Should I go? Should I stay? This will all have to be decided once we meet RL.

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everything was great...	[Jun. 14th, 2008\|07:04 pm]
Things were working awesomely for me, i had a great job, an amazing place... And I get drunk and hospitalized with 93.8% blood alcohol, and I asked for some time off of work, and I got fired. Even after my boss asked if I needed time off/ At the moment I said no... but when I did ask, I was fired... I don't get it. Anywqay I have issues with alcoholism, obviously, and anxiety and depression. I'm a hypochondriac, I have catostrophoic thinking, which is bad... My mind fugs me up with it's thoughts of bad things... And what hurts the most is that I have no one to talk to RL....
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Sober weekend	[May. 4th, 2008\|05:09 pm]
Well, I did it, I made my way through my first sober weekend in quite some time. The way how I managed it was that I went out and finally got myself a wii, and I must say, this thing is a helluva lot of fun! I picked up a couple of games, the main one being the Bleach fighting game, which I am totally addicted to, and OMG! I've spent all day today working to unlock all the characters, my arms are so sore, I think I'm building up muscles though, this thing is like a tae bo workout without the kicks. I unlocked my Grimmy, which was a pain, cuz I had to use Hanataru to unlock Hisagi to unlock.... etc.. etc, lol, but I did it ^^ I wasn't too dissapointed by him. Ulquiorra dissapointed me the most, and the biggest thing.... I think Ishida is the best character in the game! I still haven't played everyone yet, though. Sad thing is, I have no one to play against... >.> so this game just reminds me of the cold reality that I don't have a buncha real life friends to invite over to play with. Maybe I can invite the kids next door over... @.@
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Times are changing	[Apr. 18th, 2008\|08:18 pm]
Things are looking high up for me now. This week I made a few changes, my hair, my nails, my own perception of my health and my imagination. Let's start with the whole 'why'... other then the fact that I needed to do a few things to make myself happier, I didn't have the motivation. This week, my boss asked me if I would be willing to take a higher position in the future, and I said 'yes'! music plays so thus, my temp job have just become quite a bit more permanent. So, I made a hair appointment, got a nicer hair cut, got my nails done, and went to a more expensive (but butter) chiropractor then the one I usually go to. The hair and nails made me look better, the chiropractor made me feel better, not only physically, but mentally about how I physically feel... Let me explain, I am generally a hypochondriac, and most of my issues are either stemmed from my TMJ or my neck, and for the longest time I would go to my doctor, who would say just that - I'm a hypochondriac, send me from blood testing or an xray (or both) and say there's nothing wrong. Or the cheaper chiropractor who would just adjust, and say "yeah, that can happen" sort of a 'wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am' thing. This guy is also a certified physiotherapist and acupuncturist. I scheduled an adjustment, and he didn't crack my neck. Why? because there is nothing wrong with my joints, it's the muscles, so he worked on some of those and some trigger points, and I immediately knew this guy ruled, I remembered some stuffs from my massage training after all. Just to be sure, I asked him about my symptoms, and he totally explained them to me, and I know I used to know that, but I went to doctors who would just test and give you a pill, or chiropractors just looking to make a buck, and I let my own head think stupid things and cause stress. So if I get lightheaded, dizzy I know it's not so much the pinched nerves just in my neck, but also in my upper back, so I straighten my posture, and within moment, I feel normal again! I'm no longer thinking there is more wrong with me then there already is, and I'm no longer all panicked that I'd black out, have a heart attack or stroke (which are my two main hypochondrias fears) I know it's just my muscles pinching nerves and throwing me off. Almost that alone has changed my life. But the next day, i went to work feeling great, my fear was gone, and that's when my boss asked if I'd be interested in doing a higher position in the future, and I said YES! This 4-week temp job DID turn out to be more. I knew there was the chance, but now it's for sure. Because of that I feel more confident in myself. New hair cut, new nails, I even bought myself a new, more ergonomically friendly keyboard. There is one thing that's kind of bothering me now, though... Once my dad realized that I would have this job for longer the originally stated, he told me he wants some money for room and board. I received my GST refund check today, it was $61, and I just said 'here, take this', and he was all 'that's not nearly enough'. So I got all peeved left the room, instead of arguing. He came up and said "do you know how much it costs to live these days? $500 a month for utilities, $1100 just for rent, each month." I doubt he's telling the truth, but I played along anyway. "So, I ask for $100/each week, room and board." And I agreed, just to get him out of my hair. I earn, like $550/week, paying that would be no problem, but it kinda makes me wonder and think.... what, exactly, am I paying for? I understand the basic utilities, water, electricity, and the bill for the internet and all. But room... it would just be another room if I wasn't here... food, well, this is the funny thing, my mom buys all the groceries, so far as that goes, I should be paying her fees too. So... basically, I guess this is just in my eyes only... how am I supposed to save up money to be able to afford to live on my own, and out of 'the nest' so to speak, if he won't let me save it? I honestly have no idea how these financial things work, and I've never had to chance to learn about them or try them out. It's like I've been locked in a cage. My sister was lucky, she managed to keep going to school and eluding the student loan people long enough to find a job in another country and escape them. I wasn't so lucky, I got sent to collections and my credit is shot, though it's apparently all cleared up, i still have it there under my name somehow. Couldn't get a job at the bank because of that, the credit check I had to do before starting turned out bad, so they denied me the position. Which is just as well, I found a better place anyway ^^ There's this one guy who works on the third floor, in transportation, and he is totally giving off 'I like you' vibes. I mean, he seems like a great guy, a lot of fun. The only time we really do met up, since I work on the third floor, is when we happen to take a smoke break at the same time, which happens quite often. Physically, his hair is shaven, but surprisingly looks good on him (And I'm a girl who likes a guy with hair) I'm guessing he's in his early to mid 30's, he has his own place, respects cats (don't ask, lol, it was an interesting smoke-break conversation) and though while we were in the elevator, he told me his direct line number 'anytime you wanna go for a smoke, just call' and I memorized it while there, it was 444-4??? I knew it then and there, but I got off on the second floor, opened the door, turned around to my desk, and forgot the last three numbers @.@ I hope I catch him sometime next week. I'd like to be in touch with him. I really do need me a man in my life, and I don't one one that I have to take care of, I want one who can take care of me. Wow, I went down to answer the phone that was ringing, and it was my old soccer coach from when I was, like 12 or so. I mean, I knew him and my dad were buddies, and I knew that they drank a lot when they get together But to answer the phone tonight, and it's him, my old coach, and we chatted a bit, and he gave me the encouraging words that a father should give to his daughter. I talked about how things were going with me, and I told him about my soon-to-be promotion at work and he said "You've always been one who went out and got what she wants!" when I told my dad he said "I need $100/week from you for room and board". Anyway, I've been typing this up for probably about 3 hours, multi-tasking, doing things here and there, this and that as I type. I'm off to bed now.
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2029?	[Apr. 16th, 2008\|05:35 am]
Hmm.. Kinda interesting to think about. http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20080415/sc_afp/spaceastronomygermany_080415214429
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Another great week	[Apr. 5th, 2008\|10:07 am]
Work was awesome, yet again this week. I'm starting to figure things out, it really helps when I'm properly trained, since the snob who had my position before me only did it two weeks, and anytime I asked questions about something she was all "Bah, give it to me" and she did it herself. She was really stuck up, and as an administrator, you deal with people, so it's usually expected that you are pleasant. Right? I mean, say you go somewhere, and at the front desk, the person is a real snot to you, do you want to go there again? Hell no, a lot of people don't really enjoy being looked at as an annoyance and suchs. It just makes sense, even if the people are the same people each day (which is what I enjoy about this position, I couldn't handle reception at all! Outside I would be all "Have a nice day" with smiles and shit, but inside I'd be all "And don't wear Capri pants with knee high boots, it looks horrible, I don't care if it's a current style, the point of Capri pants is that you show a little leg without doing an ugly shorts thing. Have YOU ever seen Stacy London wear Capri's with knee high boots? No, I didn't think so.".... and then "Hi, how can I help you?" ^^) Anywho, /end ugly style rant.... lol. cough So, anywho, I didn't know before, but I'm basically the administrator for the chick who heads all of western Canada's deliveries and stuffs. So I enter the incoming payments from these deliveries into Excel (And one of these days, I am going to burn that fuggin program up, I hate it, it hates me, the feeling it mutual, but it makes a pain in the ass for me on a regular basis, thus why, I have actually resorted to using notepad to type out my checks then copy/paste into excel. Mwah hah, I've taught that little bitch a lesson, they won't be messing with me again anytime soon..) again /end Excel rant.... so, on Friday, I just casually chased down this chick to ask what I should label the filing things I took out for march to clear room for april, and she was in with one of the heads, and the head mentioned she should be more clear on the labeling cuz it's been slack lately, since they go to a storehouse, and Janet (the chick I'm admin for) said "Oh, she's (meaning me ^^) the best I've had in a long time." And I was all..o^^o "really?".... the head said to type out the label on word and print it out and tape it to the box, instead of hand writing on it, and I said I'd do that ^^ and left, feeling all warm and fuzzy inside ^^. Yay, I was complimented by a highly respected co-worker in front of my boss :D Also, one of the guys who is in charge of most of the routes and companies gave me some papers explaining how to use the voice mail thingie and told me I should change the name from "Donna" who hadn't worked there for like 6 months, but the admin uses her profile stuffs, to my name, he said "Since it seems you will be with us for a while." and I was all Oro? I thought I was temp... >.> <.< I asked if it was really ok, and mentioned I wanted to ask my boss first, cuz I didn't know what this position lead to, and he said yeah, do that. However, my boss is on vacation next week, so I'll have to wait until the 14th to ask him. I mean, I don't want to start 'moving in' until I know what's going to be happening. I hope this temp position will become full on, cuz Weston has a thing where they reimburse you for school, and I want to further my training, get more into things, prolly more IT cuz I don't think AR is the thing for me. I like the administration stuffs, but I'm not too keen on doing it for the rest of my life, just a couple of years. If I can sign up for home schooling. Anyways, Monday night was prolly the best part of my week. I went to see George Jones. I was still hungover from the weekend, though, but I think that's better, cuz if I was sober I'd probably induce a panic attack on myself or something. Hell, I've managed to give myself anxiety attacks over "will I get a seat on the bus?" issues. My mind is too active and takes too much control over my body. Anywho, so yeah, I was hungover so I was more concerned about my headache then I was about thinking "OMG! I'm going to be in the same place as George Jones!" So, I was able to go without fear! ^^ It was his second song, the one I would like to term as my theme song. I may have talked about this in other posts, but I'm refreshing since I saw him sing it live. When I was in Aventa, I had some CD's I burned, but never listened to, and I put in a George Jones one, and this song was the first track. I listened to it, and I was all "WOW...this is so me!" I didn't, at the time, know that George Jones used to be an alcoholic. And I was in a treatment center for alcohol abuse at the time I listened to the song for the first time. The lyrics really stuck with me. Since then, I've looked up a bit on George Jone's life, and he was a raging alcoholic, he used to beat his wife, Tammy Wynette, and many of his concerts were canceled cuz he was too drunk or passed out. He had this awesome career with him, things were going great, and he drank it away, at the time. They had some clips playing in the background, real pictures, and seeing a real picture of him all passed out or handcuffed and put into a police car made me remember that it wasn't just me. The fact that he was willing to show himself at his worst, when like 20 years later he's much better... that gave me hope. That reminds me of me, cuz I would always do that. I'd screw up things cuz I was drunk or hungover, and dissapoint everyone. Like on monday, I was hungover and didn't want to go, I was feeling too ill, but I went, cuz I wanted to. And thankfully they had beer at the refreshment counter, so I had one and kind of did a hair-the-dog thing, and felt better. Anywho, I still drink, I admit. But my views on it have changed. I'm no longer drinking to escape life, I'm drinking to celebrate it. When I'm drunk, I don't want to die anymore, I want to party. My mind is different.
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MP3 hosting	[Mar. 29th, 2008\|04:28 am]
Last chance at http://members.shaw.ca/alora_diante/01.%20We.mp3 new song coming tommorrow. Gekka no Yasoukyouku by Malice Mizer, will be up on my host tomorrow. Look forward to it!
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Things looking up :D

[Mar. 28th, 2008|05:35 pm]

[

mood

ecstatic

]

Well, it seems things are finally looking up for me. ^^

I started a new job for Weston Bakeries as an AR admin, and the people are soooooo amazingly awsome! I enjoy being there.

The pay is definitely excellent for an entry level position. I somehow managed to impress them when I went in for my interview and I'm receiving more then was the original pay. My boss mentioned he might be changing some things around, so hopefully I can get a longer contract or be trained for a higher position.

Today he got me doing some actual AR work, which was pretty easy and basic. Thankfully I most likely won't be trained for any number crunching positions, and since I don't mind the sort of repetitive tasks, I hope he'll keep me around for a while for it, cross-train me for different things, and then I'll be able to help out if someone is swamped with work, or fill in if someone can't make it a day.

One of the IT support guys 'dropped his geek' (as he said) around me today and mentioned an upcoming comic con and an anime group in the city that he knew of, asked if I was going. I said I didn't have anyone to go with but would love to go, and we decided to discuss it more next week, since my boss came around. (I was looking for him, said "ah hah! found you!" and he started to run away, so I had to chase him down so I could ask for more work to do.) - just to give an idea about what my work environment is like. Everyone is crazy, I fit in well ^^

Other then that, I've been enjoying my 'me' time. I finally feel happy to be alive, and that I have a purpose. It's really nice to get out of the house and come back knowing I did a good job. It's also been nice knowing that everything right now in this moment is great, that I don't have to worry about anyone else, just take care of myself.

And since Omi decided to come up and bug me while I was typing this, I will share...

My dad says she looks 'mad' all the time... I don't think so, maybe it's just the way the stripes are on her face.... what do you guys think?

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What can I say?	[Mar. 22nd, 2008\|01:27 am]
This song has kept me alive, and this is the best video out there.. and it's not that good, makes me want to make my own, if I knew how. But at least it portrays the characters from the song like it's meant to. is it just me, or is Kenpachi all singling... like.. super seksay @.>
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Past reflections

[Mar. 12th, 2008|03:24 pm]

[

mood

crappy

]

Since I have no longer any need to be on the computer since I broke up with Kyle, my usual routine of waking up, checking my e-mail, logging into msn or what not has still been going on. And I get my spam mails, no new 'offline' messages on MSN, and even before I've touched my morning coffee... I'm already done with what I used to do.

I am going through computer withdrawl, and when I'm at the comp, I really don't have anything to do. It's been really bugging me, and annoying me. I mean, yeah, I set up DVDs to burn to watch with my mom, and I download anime to burn disc takes like, 3 seconds, to find the downloads to start, takes another 3 seconds.

It's kind of sad, I guess. My social life used to be just coming online and chatting, true it's died down over the years, but as long as I had one person to login for, that made me happy. Even though that person was in a totally different timezone, I knew I could just spend my time waiting for them to come on, cuz I knew they would. In short, I had something to look forward to, socially. So I wasn't alone.

Since then, with the stress of trying to replace my birth certificate after loosing my wallet, and them wanting me to bring ID to get it, and I can't get ID without something like my birth certificate.. it's a nasty arse cycle, going round and round... *sigh*

So, basically, I got really drunk, lost my identity, lost any sort of respect I may have built up, both with my parents and myself. As a result, I've turned back into my mind in order to escape the reality. I know if I stick with it, I will have to deal with a lot of stress and guilt, I know myself. Actually, I was all feeling totally ashamed of myself all week, and it became worse when my dad drank on friday and saturday and came up and asked me "what did this guy look like? What kind of car was he driving? do you know which house?"

And honestly, I was too drunk to remember the details like his address or car. I knew he was around mid 30's black short hair with a moustache/beard, which I remember thinking oddly suited him, though I usually don't like guys with facial hair. Other then that, we were at his place, I remember we listened to music on my iPod, we sung along to some songs, he went to bed and asked me to come with him. It was then that I put on my shoes and coat and literally ran half down the block to come home. I knew I was drunk, and I was scared of what might've happened.

I don't mind if I was drunk with a boyfriend, but not with a complete stranger. If I got all drunk and straight forward, willing to do anything, giving erotic massages, teasing about the fact that I am CMT, that is 100% ok with me, long as it's with someone I consider my boyfriend.

A stranger who I go to his place, and even though I haven't had anything in a while... hell I haven't had anything GOOD in like my entire life, other then self, no matter what he promises me, no matter how good he says he is, if there is nothing behind it other then physical, I am NOT interested.

So, I did go to this guys place willingly, and like I said, we did listen to my music and all, but he never did imply anything sexually, I just kind of took it that way. He just said he was going to bed, and said I should do the same. And he did, he did go to bed.

I know, because I checked in on him before I left. He was breathing heavily, and I poked him a few times, and nothing happened.

I, really am the bad guy here. He meant no harm, he just bought a girl a few drinks, after she broke up with her boyfriend, talked to her, gave her some advice, and gave her a place to stay with some drinks. It was what I wanted, what I asked for. And I got it.

My dad's Cinderella complex he has over me, his first question was "did you have sex with him?" and I was all "no! I ran away when he asked for it" was a lie. He didn't ask for it. I thought that maybe he would would appreciate the fact that I left when he asked for sex, that he would forgive and mostly FORGET the fact that I left my purse and my wallet there, and give up on the search. I know this guy won't go out and abuse my expired learners lisence, I know he won't go out and pay to renew my library card membership to take out a bunch of books and keep them.He can use my Airmiles card, though, and other random store membership points you get when you buy stuffs. Other then that, that was all that's in my wallet.

Harmful or abusable, anyway. My birth certificate, my alberta health number, my SIN, he can't do anything with that anyway. So I try to stop stressing about loosing all that, I can get those cards back... but my dad keeps pestering me about things, and when it's 6am, and I'm still up, he asks me "Why are you up so early?" I say "I haven't slept" and he's all "why not?" I roll my eyes and say "Cuz I can't" then he's all "why can't you sleep" and I just want to slap him... but all I say is "If I knew why I couldn't sleep, don't you think I would've done something about it by now?"

Actually, I've had sleeping issues for many months now, that's part of the reason why I have been drinking lately. 4-5 beers helps me sleep. I just can't drink the cheap beer, cuz that's the thing that screws me up, it was a 10% litre bottle of beer that made me go out to the pub on my own. If I had that same amount in decent beer, I would just be happy with that. "mmm... good beer". I've actually been experimenting with this for a while now. The cheap beer is cheap, there's more alcohol percentage to it, but it gives nasty hangovers and leaves me craving REAL beer. Anywho, I won't buy the cheap stuff again, I get a healthier high with a pot of coffee.

Out of boredom, and my need to be at the computer, I decide to look on things in my past, I haven't really read any of my own past postings in this LJ account, but I remember I had one before this, and in order to kill my boredom, and remembering that I was pretty sure I posted what I remembered at the time of "The Garden", and I found my first account, and read a few posts from 2002... way back when I was just learning about myself.

My boyfriend at the time was polyamorous, or something like that, which he told me, AFTER the fact. I didn't know what that meant, but he explained that it meant you could be in love with many people at the same time. I thought it was ok at the time, I was his 'girlfriend' and all, right?

We went out with some of his friends, and he was totally flirting right in front of my face with 1/2 the girls there, even those who had boyfriends there too. He didn't flirt with me at all. I was madly jealous. And I told him so, he just said something along the lines of "it's ok, we're always like this, it's you I am with" but it kept going on... *sigh* needless to say, I broke up with him. I couldn't handle that. Yes, I am alright with a 3-some, if he likes, I'd prefer two girls and a guy, but that's all just sexual. I can't have my guy flirting in front of my face with another girl, he says he loves her, but it's me he IN love with? No, I call that a player and a manwhore.

Ok, am I poly? I love a few people. I am no longer IN love with any of them, just because I love them, doesn't mean I'd all flirt with them again, especially not in front of someone I like. I just didn't get his reasoning. I'm not poly, calling yourself that is just an excuse to avoid true commitment.

Sorry about that old tidbit, but like I said, I was looking up my old LJ account, and I remembered how I got it, it was from one of the girls the poly guy was in love with, back when LJ needed referrals for an account.

Anywho, so I go back and look on my old account, and it was when I was with this guy, hee hee, that's why it brought up an old memory. Anyway so I find and read back on my old journal, and I am still in the same state as I am right now. Only back then I had the energy, the drive to try to change things, and it made me realise that things aren't changing for me right now, because I don't try.

It's no wonder, I tried back in 2002, and always flopped, always failed. Small wonder I've given up. But through all the shit I have been through since 2002, and 99% of this shit self-inflected, can't I get through it? Shouldn't I be able to stand on my own?

Yeah, I know I can. I just can't do it alone. I am not that strong. All I know I have for certain is my parents, and I can't ask them. I don't really want to talk with a councellor about my issues, nor my doctor nor my shrink. What I really need is a true friend, one who I can physically talk to, be with, hang out with... how does one go about finding that? Male, female, I don't care. Far as I know, only way to 'meet new people' is through dating sites, and I really don't want to go through the effort of building up a relationship, I just want someone who will listen, hug me, hold me, remind me I am not alone.

My mind tells me I'm not, yet the same mind tells me I am.

Perhaps my mother is ok with not having friends, though she bitches constantly about one of her old co-workers, she still goes out to lunch with her all the time, my mom has a friend, and she also has close connections with her family, she calls her sister all the time, goes to Red Deer, meets with her brothers all the time up there, and her mother. My mom has friends and people she can talk to. I KNOW my mom talks about me to my sister, cuz she always leaves the room when y sister calls.

My father, he has his golf buddies, that's really all he needs, he cut off the whole family thing long ago, and he still hasn't gotten over the death of my grandmother and his fuggin dog. He keeps an asshat dog that rips apart the house and shit, which really annoys me, and small wonder why I don't bother cleaning or shit, as much as I would like it, it would just be a waist cuz no one would keep it up or anything.

If anyone sees my house, this is NOT an example of me, in fact, I am the opposite of my house. I gave up trying long ago, and since my house is not my standards, I'm terrified of bringing people over.

Anyways, so yeah, then there's me. What've I got? Omi? I can't go out for coffee with Omi. So I've relied on my imagination a lot, lately. That just leads me to thinking I have mental issues. So I get all paranoid about having mental issues, so I don't use my imagination, so I just basically curl up in a corner not knowing what to thing, what is right or what is wrong.

I mean, I know my imagination is not real, I am not screwed up enough to not be able to distinct between the two, it's just that my imagination world is better, and I've actually been retreating to it since I was in grade 7, or sooner, so I'm very familiar with it. For someone in their late 20's to have that imagination world still, maybe stronger then back then, isn't that something to worry about? I dunno... I would like to turn that to writing, but since my dad said I wasn't very good way back when I was 7 years old, I kinda gave up, or something... *sigh*

I think, from now on, I'll type out my personal thoughts and suchs to myself in notepad, that way I can look back on them and edit them and maybe share publicly. Sorry for this huge rant, to my friends. Maybe I'll try to revive my old LJ, where I didn't have to fear about a huge post on my friends list, because I have no friends listed there.... blah... ;.;

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reflections	[Mar. 5th, 2008\|12:55 pm]
Ok, so, yesterday I came home and broke up with Kyle. Mainly because I just couldn't see us together in the future since we live in different countries, he's in Australia and I'm in Canada, and I wanted to know where we would be in the future, and he never really gave me an answer. What happens if I sign a 5 year contract at an awesome job, and start out on my chosen career? Do I ditch the contract to move to another country to be with someone I don't even know if I'd get along with in person? Yes, the emotions are all fine and good, but there has to be something physically. I've gone through too many online relationships to really take that chance again. That and after what I did last night, I felt I wasn't at all trustworthy. I didn't go out and have sex with some stranger, that wasn't my intention, but I did go out basically to get out of the house, it's been MONTHS since I've actually went out and did anything, other then a trip to the grocery store, so I went out. And I was all thinking about what could have happened. Thank gawd I'm not a cheap drunk, otherwise things might have turned out differently. Anyways, as I stated in my previous post, I left before anything happened. The guy asked me to come and lay down with him in his bed, and I said I'd be right back, after going to the bathroom, and I left then and there. I'm thinking that's a good thing, right? Sarah agrees with me, thanks hun ^^ When I come back home, I'm all hungover. It kind of pisses me off sometimes, I get like 2x hangover to what I drank. And in my eyes, I wanna enjoy drinking, so I drink more so I can actually feel it, and I get the worst hangovers. I guess I have a high tolerance to the feelings of alcohol, but it's still in my body either way, so that messes me up physically. I wonder if it's because what my doctor said, that I have thick blood and low blood pressure, so it doesn't go through me as fast. I dunno.. O_O I have had issues with alcohol in the past, I know I probably shouldn't drink, cuz I move from the tipsy stage to the totally drunk stage in a matter of minutes. I want to drink normally like everyone else, it's not fair. ;.; I am, basically what you would call an alcoholic. So, who heals the healer? To get sober, I really need to be in an environment where there is no booze. Today my dad came home 'for lunch' but he didn't eat anything, my keen ears heard him crack open 3 beers in the 23 minutes he was home. He didn't offer me any for the 'hair-of-the-dog' and all, which kinda bothered me. Then there's my mom, who is the worst, really. She says I need to stop drinking, stop smoking, and she puts her foot down on that like a dwarf does to drinking elven spirits. She was the one I was hoping to speak to today about me quitting all my bad habits, but first thing she does is pour herself a drink. So I didn't say anything. I sat back and wondered... an alcoholic cannot become sober in a house with people who drink. However, I can't really go anywhere else, and the only time I might be able to find a place to live is if I am drunk and go to some guys house. I really need to get out of here to save myself from... myself. Now that I lost my wallet, I can't go out and get a job, cuz they'd want ID, and I can't get ID unless I have some other ID, like a birth certificate, and I can't get that unless I have ID... it's a nasty ass cycle. I'm screwed anyway, even though I didn't take off my pants. I can't speak to my parents cuz all they do is scold me, I broke up with my BF, so I can't talk to him for support, I can't get ahold of my shrink to talk to him 1-1, unless I make an appointment, I can't talk to my addictions counceller cuz she's off for the next week on holidays. I have no friends RL that I kept in touch with... I am literally alone, and I need way more help then I can provide by myself. It sucks.
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I'm so stupid	[Mar. 4th, 2008\|12:20 pm]
I'm such an idiot, I can't believe it. Last night I went out to meet someone, and he was all totally cool, I'm not going to deny that part of the night. Nor will I deny that I met him on a dating site for intimate encounters. He seemed human, he wasn't all "Sux0rz my c0ckz" like most of the people who talked to me, so I figured it was ok to meet him, somewhere public, where I could leave if I was uncomfortable. But I was comfortable, he was nice, down-to-earth, he didn't pry too much about my sex life, or lack there of, or my past. I told him all about it, though. After a few beers I'd tell my life story. I was all thinking "well, he's kind of cute, I need to teach him of the artistry of beer drinking, since he likes 'everything' and doesn't have a particular taste one way or another..." So, we got a pitcher of beer, and that went down so smoothly. We bought another, he had to go to work in like 1/2 an hour, and told me to chug it... well, I drink lots, but I don't chug beer. So I told him he could go to work, and that I'd just finish off that pitcher myself. I said I'd be a psychology person and just watch and observe other people in the bar. After he left, I moved to the bar, in seating I mean. I chatted up some guy, and he had a totally stupid accent, I think I tried to teach him how to speak properly, but the more he drank, the worst he spoke, so I gave up. I moved down the bar to join the conversation of some older folks, they were talking politics, and I had no idea what they were saying, but after I arrived, the other two guys left, so I talked to the one guy who remained. I have no idea what he talked about, but apparently he was the roommate of the guy with the stupid accent, he said that the booze at the pub is watered down, I agreed, and he said we could get the real stuff at his place, so I went. After re-hooking his TV so it played the cable he was paying for, I played a buncha songs on my ipod, and he recognized every one of the oldies I played, which was nice. Not a lot of people could. So, after a couple of hours of us listening to music, he asked me to go to bed with him, and I was all ok with just passing out, but when we got to his bed, he took off his pants, and I told him to just lay down, relax, and I would be right back after I visited the bathroom. And I literally grabbed my coat and left. I left my purse, my ipod, I didn't leave my dignity, I think that's the driving force that made me go in the first place. If I did have sex with him and then ran, there would be no dignity. I didn't want that, not at all, not when I was as drunk as I was. I want to wait and find someone I connect with emotionally before I try that again. I've been scarred in the past with asshats who are all "wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am", so I don't actually go out seeking it since I've found no pleasure before, so I have no interest. anywho, so I came home, about 4am, I was hoping to catch my mom before she left for work, so she'd let me in, but I missed her, and it started to snow, and the wind came up. Like holy fuggin hell, I'm sitting on my doorstep the wind is blowing, I'm covering in snow, someone save me! After pounding on the door to get in for like 45 minutes, my dad finally opened the door and let me in. Immediately I wanted to say sorry and tell him about how much I suck, if I could just get some warmth, but he said "go to bed". So I did. I wake up and realize... OMG, I left my purse there, everything in my wallet, like my SIN, my birth certifiate, my Alberta Health Care #, my bank card (though I'm at -12, so I'm not worried about that), my library card, my video store cards, Peoples phone numbers, my shrinks phone number, my ID, my house keys.... and I don't remember his name. He wanted 'that' so me running, I guess is a good thing, but when I think about what I lost, I wish I remembered where he lived so I could claim it all back. How can I possibly be so stupid?
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:O	[Feb. 28th, 2008\|10:35 am]

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Playing "sneaky"

[Feb. 9th, 2008|01:27 am]

[

mood

chipper

]

Well, thing are going great in my world, for a change, I have a job interview lined up on tuesday, and when then guy interviewed me on the phone, he liked my answers to his questions. First question was, what you bring to our company? I answered that I am highly trainable, (in my own words, I love learning new things) that I like to spend my time productively, (in my own words, I totally HATE being bored) and . He even said "good answers" when he asked me that question.

Even though I was totally nervous, I have never had a person-to-person interview before, and I've never had a phone interview either, I knew it would be a phone one.... When I woke up, there was a message on the machine, and I just played it (cuz otherwise it just beeps annoyingly all day) and, it was for me, from someone who was looking at my resume, and he left me his direct line, and asked me to call him back cuz he wanted to 'ask a few questions'

So, as I was looking up tip on phone interview things before I actually called him back, I got another phone call, I took a deep breath and answered (assuming it was them) and it was an old friend, a really really really old friend... in fact, the very same friend who gave me my alias, Alora Dianté.

She was coming down my end for some business things, and told me she'd take me out to lunch, well, she actually asked me at first, and I said I had no money, and that I was about to call someone and probably have a phone interview, and she gave me a lot of pointers, she owns her own business, so she has had to interview a few people herself, and then she said, "just call, and I'll be there in an hour, you still live at the same place right? I am taking you out to lunch, on me!"

So that gave me a huge bout of confidence, so, I called soon as I got off the phone with her. And, lo and behold, I got invited in for a one on one interview

In a way, I'm totally scared, I'm not really sure what goes on in these things @.@ but also, I think, that if I am all honest, I can get something. They know I'm entry level, I stated that on my resume. And when I talked to this guy on the phone, I was totally stunned when he said "good answers"... O_O I was all thinking.. "it's the truth, I'm not lying here just to fake getting a job or anything" but I didn't say it.

It's professional wear, so, yay! I FINALLY get to wear the suits I've bought and haven't worn cuz everywhere else was casual. This is really funny because I was about to start working back at the dry cleaners on the 18th, so, I've become, if I get the job, from someone who cleans and presses the clothes to someone who wears the clothes, and that is a huge step.

I'm excited and nervous. He said he would e-mail me the company URL and directions, cuz I told him I'd be taking public transit, but I didn't recieve anything yet.. and then I remembered.. OMG, I have like 6 resumes online, most with different e-mail addresses.. @.@ I am pretty sure he got my resume off of monster.ca, and I tried to login, but my account name and password is wrong...

so, I remember I wrote it down on my pack of cigarettes, I posted my resume because my dad was all "go get a job" and I felt all down, thinking I wasn't worth anything more then working for $10/hr in backbreaking labour, so I signed up there, made an account, and put up my resume.

And now, when I try to reset my userid, or email, I don't know which one I used, since I have created so many accounts there, and now I know why. When I requested on the site for my latest username and password (cuz they send me e-mails on job matches, and I only made this account last week) they e-mailed me and said "For user blahbal" click on this link to change your password, so I did, and now, I got the password right, and I have no fuggin idea why I would make a userid like ag_alora_diante, so I took out the 'ag' and it still won't let me login

Yup, that's why I don't like to use that site >.< So I can't get on there to access my own account to see which resume I have public at the time, to see which e-mail address I have posted on my resume, so I don't know what to check, or what to do.

Usually job interviewers ask you questions about yourself, but I would like to learn about the company I might work for, I want to know if I would even WANT to work for them... why didn't I just ask the URl on the phone ;.;. I know company are impressed during interviews if the interviewee knows about the company, and I want to do that right.

Well, my interview is on tuesday, so maybe I can get ahold of him again on monday and ask the URl...

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Youtube	[Feb. 3rd, 2008\|06:16 pm]
Ok... how do I share a youtube vidoe here? >.>
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